And in which I conclude (eventually) that I am not.
I am just having a really hard time writing a 10-12 page paper and I haven’t been able to figure out why. “You did this all the time, in college!” I tell myself. “You must’ve. You don’t remember much about it, for some reason, but you know that you wrote papers about all kinds of things: science, linguistics, literature, critical theory…you know you did that! You know you wrote papers in graduate school: big long ones! And they said you were a good writer! And you had to read some of them out loud, in public! That was all pretty hard, presumably! And you did all that. So you can do this.”
I can, I suppose. I just haven’t yet. I have done nothing this week except go to work and work on this paper. I have pages and pages of outlines and notes and half-baked ideas and sentences that end in ALL CAPS CURSING. I quote: “In this study, McClelland and Liebold found that SUCK MY BALLS WHY CAN’T I DO THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME HAS THIS ALWAYS BEEN WRONG WITH ME I NEVER COULD MAKE OUTLINES WHEN I WAS A KID AND I NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW TO WRITE A FUCKING HYPOTHESIS STATEMENT EITHER.”
I don’t know what the problem is. If I knew, I could fix it. I chose a topic I was interested in. I’ve given myself ample time and about a thousand pep talks. I have written an outline. I’ve written several! But my thoughts won’t do as they’re told. I can’t organize my thoughts! I seriously have felt like I have some kind of disorder and I’ve wondered if my brain has somehow been destroyed in the intervening years. I’ve wondered if I’m losing my mind. I’ve never lost my mind completely, but I have definitely mislaid it, let’s say, and let’s say at least twice. (Years ago.) I know what that feels like and this isn’t that. Not even close.
Whatever this is, though, it’s pretty unpleasant. Losing your mind can be sort of a relief. This has been a week of needless misery and I don’t know why and I don’t know what to do or how to avoid it in the future.
I need to live with someone. I think living alone just sends me right off the rails. You’re not really supposed to say that, you’re supposed to be able to live by yourself and be a self-actualized adult, complete unto yourself, but I have to admit that’s becoming harder and harder for me as I get older. I don’t feel like myself unless there’s someone around.
Dora, alone or not, you just wrote 450 words without even thinking about it! I believe that you can write a little something for an online psychology course.
I believe that you believe in me, brain, but I counter with this screenshot:
dora random 